Why Do Couples Have Different Sex Drives? | Portland, Oregon Sex Therapy
Learn how to handle desire discrepancy in your relationship in a way that increases intimacy.
If you're looking to better understand different sex drives in your relationship, in Portland, Oregon, or anywhere in Oregon via telehealth, reach out for a consultation.
I work with couples who will start therapy by saying:
“We are such a good team, but we just don’t want sex the same amount, is there something wrong with us?”
Mismatched libido is a common dilemma that couples face at different points in their relationship.
When not addressed it can lead to:
Pressure
Shame
Confusion
Rejection
If you have felt any of these, you are not alone in this experience. Desire discrepancy (or different sex drives in a relationship) is a normal, and even expected, part of a long-term relationship. Desire discrepancy alone does not necessarily indicate relationship problems.
Recent research consistently shows that differences in sexual desire are one of the most common sexual concerns reported by couples and are associated with relationship distress when partners interpret those differences negatively rather than collaboratively.
In sex therapy in Portland, Oregon, we will create new stories to confront different sex drives collaboratively.
Desire Differences Are Normal
Something they never taught us in heath class:
No two people ever have identical sexual desires across their entire relationship.
The beauty of long term relationships is that they grow and change over time. This anticipates that the relationship morphs as each individual progresses in life.
Not only does the relationship change but our bodies change as well. As we get older our bodies change, our hormones change, and maybe our responsibilities change as we begin caring for aging parents or children.
These life changes also impact those experiencing periods of high stress. Stress is a massive contributor to sexual responsiveness and is a contextual component of assessing how the relationship is being impacted. Studies over the last several years continue to find that sexual desire fluctuates across the lifespan and is influenced by biological, psychological, relational, and social factors rather than a single cause.
This means desire differences are often less about something being "wrong" and more about understanding the factors influencing each person's experience.
What Actually Influences Sexual Desire?
Stress and Anxiety
If you’ve read some of my other blogs you’ve likely noticed this theme.
Our nervous systems play a big role in how we interpret intimacy. This means that when stress is high, our body often unconsciously shifts from connection mode into protection mode.
This can make sex feel like
Something on the to-do list
Overwhelming
Hard to get into
Emotionally draining
Many people assume that sex should spontaneously happen, but intimacy and anxiety are closely intertwined.
Emotional Connection
Sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
In other words, the state of your emotional connection in the relationship is a predictive factor of how intimacy tends to follow. If there is unresolved conflict, resentment, emotional distance, or feeling unseen - physical intimacy often struggles to follow.
Emotional disconnection can also build low desire relationships.
Many couples come into therapy wanting to work on the "sex problem" only to discover that emotional disconnection has been quietly influencing intimacy for months or even years.
Life Transitions
Pregnancy
Parenting
Career changes
Health concerns
Mental health challenges
Aging
Greif
Different sex drives in a relationship are gradual and maybe even are hard to perceive at first. Overtime, these become patterns of behavior.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
This is one of my favorite things to teach couples as it often provides immediate relief.
Many people assume:
“I feel desire, so I want intimacy.”
This is spontaneous desire. However, there is another form of desire that many people experience that sounds like:
“I wasn’t thinking about sex, but now that we are connecting, I am interested.”
This is called responsive desire. This person is responding to the sexual stimuli.
Both are completely normal and healthy forms of expressing desire especially for those in long-term relationships. Understanding the difference can reduce a tremendous amount of guilt and shame.
Work by researchers such as Emily Nagoski and more recent sexual desire research has helped normalize responsive desire as a healthy and common experience rather than a dysfunction.
The Problem Usually Isn't the Difference
This may sound surprising, but most couples don't struggle because they have different sex drives.
They struggle because of what those differences begin to mean.
Research consistently shows that relationship satisfaction is often impacted less by the desire discrepancy itself and more by how couples communicate about it.
The higher-desire partner may start thinking:
"I'm unwanted."
"They're not attracted to me."
"I'm being rejected."
The lower-desire partner may start thinking:
"I'm broken."
"I'm failing."
"Nothing I do is enough."
Over time, these interpretations often create the pursue-withdraw cycle I see so frequently in relationships.
This pressure creates even more difficulty connecting.
And the cycle continues.
Desire Differences in LGBTQIA+ Relationships
Different sex drives can happen in any type of relationship structure.
Research suggests that desire discrepancy occur across all relationship structures and sexual orientations. The difference is that LGBTQIA+ folx are often navigating additional layers of stress that can impact emotional and physical intimacy.
Queer individuals may face additional challenges that impact desire including:
Minority stress
Discrimination
Body image concerns
Gender dysphoria
Navigating identity development
Medical transition considerations
Messages received from family, religion, or society
Unearthing some of these other components of how desire is being impacted can be one of the reasons sex therapy is so valuable.
The goal is never to fit people into a predetermined model of how intimacy should look. The goal is to figure out how you and your partner want intimacy to look and create a container for it to thrive.
Why Trying to "Fix" the Lower-Desire Partner Usually Backfires
It's common for couples experiencing high levels of stress around desire discrepancy to start looking for someone to fix.
Usually this falls on the lower desire partner. This approach rarely works because pressure and shame tend to trigger avoidance. The more someone feels like the problem, the harder intimacy becomes.
Instead of focusing on frequency of sex, we begin to look at the pattern that is pulling them away.
This shift increases curiosity and reduces blame.
Curiosity allows for much more room for change.
How Sex Therapy Can Help
The goal of sex therapy is not to point out who is right or wrong.
We look at the patterns in the relationship that are influencing desire and help couples create a more collaborative relationship with sex.
In sex therapy in Portland, Oregon, we work on:
understanding desire patterns
reducing pressure and shame
identifying emotional and relational barriers
increasing emotional safety
creating more flexibility around desire
The goal is not necessarily for partners to want sex at the same frequency. The goal is instead to help partners understand each other, and their own patterns of interaction, which increases connection and intimacy.
You Don't Have To Want the Same Amount of Sex
To understand mismatched libido its important to note that not all relationships are built on wanting sex at the same frequency.
Relationships are built on understanding.
Many couples experience desire discrepancy or desire differences and still have deeply satisfying intimate relationships.
The key is learning how to navigate those differences together rather than getting stuck in a cycle of pressure, avoidance, rejection, and frustration.
Start With a Consultation
If you're looking for sex therapy in Portland, Oregon—or anywhere in Oregon through telehealth—therapy can help you better understand desire differences and create a more collaborative relationship with intimacy.
You don't have to figure it out alone.
